Do you ever feel like you’re just starting from scratch?
That’s totally where I am these days.
I’m big on awakenings – many I have shared here with you – and though I am so fortunate for my moments of clarity, lately I am reminded of just how fleeting those awakenings can be. We learn things, we forget, we revert, we learn again. Life is a cycle. And as I am circling back through some emotions I haven’t felt in a while, I am reminding myself that it’s okay to struggle.
It’s okay to still be wrestling with thoughts, feelings and compulsions that (most of the time) are out of my control. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to loosen my white-knuckle grip I am so good at and *attempt* to relax. It’s okay to second guess things I’ve thought about myself for my whole life. It’s okay to admit that sometimes, I’m just not as emotionally stable as I think I should be.
I had a breakdown last week. It was eye-opening and a bit core-shaking in a way. I haven’t felt the same since, and in a weird way, things feel different. Different in a good way, because I feel like I am truly starting a new chapter in my life. The breakdown was largely stress induced.
New Job + Moving + Creative Restlessness + Realization of New Goals = Exhaustion
Put quite simply, I feel as if I have truly reached a new level in this life. I am 25. I have a good job. I have a great relationship. We are building a life together. There is money in our savings account. I care about new things. My priorities have shifted. And my life is completely here in North Carolina – not in Texas. All of these amazing things Shelton and I share on a daily basis, but I don’t get to share them with my Texas Tribe. It’s safe to say I’ve been living on Texas Time up until I started working at Suddenlink. When I worked at home, it was so easy to focus on Texas and everyone I love there because 1) I had more time and 2) I didn’t show up to North Carolina and instantly attain new BFFs.
But that’s changing now. Through work I’ve met so many amazing people – people that invite me over to craft and drink tea (Nikki, I love you), people that invite us to parties, people that invites us out on sushi dates… We’re making connections here and settling here, and I don’t think I had accepted that until just recently. On one hand, it is so great to know that if I told Shelton tonight that I wanted to move back to Texas, he’d be on board 100%. But, I feel it in my bones – it’s not time. There’s too much left to do, I whisper to myself. Secrets left to figure out.
I want to look back on The North Carolina Years and feel so much joy that I get choked up. It’s like Andy said last week on The Office Series Finale: “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”
Whoa. If a quote could stab me in the heart (in a good way) that’s the one that would do it.
And here’s the thing: I am in the good old days. For the rest of my life, I’ll cherish these years, this place, the choice I made last August to come here. Why not make the absolute most of it? So, I have decided to collectively take a step back from a few things.
1. This blog, and blogging in general. I already have a full-time job, and it’s not running this site. I need to break out of the mindset of thinking in blog posts, positioning my life around DIY projects, and endless hours in front of this screen.
2. Crafting and creating. This is a touchy subject for me, because since I was a little girl I have always fallen back on my creativity. But I need to learn the difference between hobbies that bring me pure joy from the ones that suck the life out of me. And that means not distracting myself with project after project. I need to focus on me. Also, I need to be okay with not working on anything “extracurricular” before I dive into any new activity. I need to wipe my mental slate clean.
3. Thinking too much about my Texas connections. I can miss them, I can shoot them a text to let them know they’re on my mind, but then I need to go back to my North Carolina life. Just as I am on my own path, they are on theirs. And I am so happy for all my loved ones that my heart could burst, but feeling melancholic about playing phone tag does me no good at all.
Letting go can be so hard, but once I am able to, I always feel rejuvenated in a way.
So, prepare for some sporadic + awesome posts in the future. I’m on no one’s timeline but my own, and goodness gracious, that’s an incredible feeling.